24 GAY PEOPle's ChronICLE March 22, 1996

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ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAIN

Why we should line up right behind Pat Buchanan

by Aubrey Wertheim

You can level with me. I know you've been thinking about it.

Every time he cinches another caucus or tops another opinion poll. Every time that mug flashes on your screen, that dimple looking like it might be utilized in a pinch for some non-procreative purpose. Hotcha, sez the innermost voting booth of the soul, that man stirs my lever.

You're not alone. Not by a long shot.

We're all mighty weary of hollow White

House blandishments. As for the other Re-

publican candidates, as

soon as they see us coming, it's time to slobber over the near-

specific dust ruffles. And, personally, as a career pacifist, I adore my 4-F status. I'll defend it to the death.

My man Pat has a passion for sodomy unrivaled across the political spectrum. He runs it up the flagpole and gives it such a salute. He can talk about sodomy's role in NAFTA, sodomy's relationship to rising interest, sodomy and Reagan's legacy, even

Mr. Buchanan never thinks of

us as anything but sodomites. Not fellow Americans, not Log Cabinets, not brethren or sisternnope. Sodomites, now and forever.

est baby and homilize Family Values.

Not Mr. Buchanan. He knows what we want to hear. He gets back to basics. When it comes to our community, he sound-bites one thing and one thing only: sodomy.

Now through the ages and legislation of this land, sodomy has meant many things to many people, but when St. Pat mounts has little pulpit, it embodies one thing and one thing only.

Sodomy. The hot button. The back porch swing. The red eye of love. Flossing the prostate. Dancing cheek to cheek. Doing the Lower Intestinal Trot.

Oh, you must remember. I know it's been ages, but still...

And don't you lesbians immediately starting feigning distaste, pursing them holierthan-thou lips. We all know anal sex is one of the biggest dirty little secrets of the women's community-ze bowling ball, et al.

Mr. Buchanan never thinks of us as anything but sodomites. Not fellow Americans, not Log Cabinets, not brethren or sisternnope. Sodomites, now and forever.

Lord, lord, just being viewed once more in anybody's rear-view mirror, cousins, it's like being born again! .

Who cares about the military? It's violent. It's uniform. It's living in corrugated barracks without any privacy or orientation-

DEFY

Stylist

sodomy and the loss of the Browns.

It buggers, er, boggles the imagination!

Yeah, yeah, I hear all you piddly liberals out there: "He's an extremist!" Some issues demand strong platforms. Sodomy, for instance, doesn't accommodate fence-sitting-isn't your stand on it rather hardline? "He's and isolationist!" Well, ain't most queerfolk isolated? “He's a racist!" Now, now, he's purging them white supremacists on his staff as fast as the media uncovers 'em. The Buchanan tent is a big❜un. Can't do extensive checks on every clown who signs up. "He'll exploit xenophobia!" Hey, I've been to Xenia, and believe me, you should be afraid of that place.

Call me nostalgic, sentimental or just plain hindsighted, but there was something about that ole-time derision, where America knew what it liked and didn't like, and homosexuality was definitely in the abhorred category. None of the present schizophrenia, in/out, mainstream/marginal, civil-rights-one-day/ unconstitutional-the-next, biological/nonbiological, friendly/hostile churches/workplaces/neighbors/etc., don't ask/don't tell, chic one week/defunded the next--and Hawaiian weddings any day now!

I yearn for that simpler era. Everyone knowing their place, their positions: them/ us, visible/blank, hetero/pariah. Nice. Tidy.

To my mind, I'm altogether better off in the Buchanan camp. And no doubt Pat has a camp just for me, ready and waiting. ♡

Above the Fruited Plain is a regular column by Aubrey Wertheim, a writer based in

Oberlin, Ohio.

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